Is it over, or is it only beginning?
I finally accepted & declined the two colleges I was debating between.. I don’t know whether or not it’ll take me in the right direction, if I’ll love it or if I’ll hate it, or even if it’ll change me in the same way that I expected college to change me. It’s a big step for someone who’s eighteen. I apologize to those who are seventeen and have to make such a difficult decision also. I honestly believe that I want to plan everything out to perfection when in reality, there is no possible way. I want to be able to say “here’s what I’ll accomplish my first year. here’s everything else that I will do in order to succeed in life. oh, there’s the perfect path. it’ll be a perfect turn out,” but WRONG. Not everything will go my way. I should’ve known from the start. My California dream school? Rejected. Moved on. Got into my New York dream school. No program? Must move the fuck on. Got into one of the best architecture program/school? Third time’s a charm. I’m still holding on to the dream and the desire to go to school on the east coast, but I guess it’s for the “best” if I saved it for later. I’ll be more mature for the quick-paced life there. I’ll make the networks that are crucial for that time of my life. What am I possibly going to get from it at this age? I might just even screw myself up because I’m making a drastic change. Maybe. Things aren’t working out because I’m supposed to be taking baby steps. Maybe, just maybe. This perfected plan I have won’t be perfect, but it’ll be everything I wanted it to be from the start? Maybe, I just need to shut the hell up and take that gosh darn step ahead already. Oh, wait. I just did. I made my decision, but what am I so afraid of? I don’t know. Actually. I lied. I do know. I’m afraid that everything I wanted my life experience to include WON’T be what I intended. I’m afraid of making mistakes. I’m afraid of wasting my time trying to discover who I am only to realize that I’m not that person. I’m afraid of changes. I’m afraid of surprises in my life that I can’t plan for. But what’s life if I had the answer to every problem? What’s life if I can’t take the time to figure things out on my own for my own. What’s life if I keep being this turtle? I just need to break my life down to the present and stop planning for the future. I’m already thinking about where to go to grad school. Come on, five years from now, I’m sure my goals will be different, so what the heck am I doing? I’m preventing myself from failure, yet I believe that failure can help a person grow. I’m such a hypocrite. I need not to focus on what programs I’ll be interested in and all the “ifs” and “buts” that my mind likes to ask, but to focus on applying for housing and dining plans, scholarships, and the things that actually matter within the next few months. Not years. What I really need is to pull my shit together so I can show my mom that my college years won’t be frightening. I need to show her I can be independent, organized, and perfectly fine by myself. Once I can do that, I’m sure I will pick up the pace and I’ll be able to be more logical, more of the person I will discover. More of whatever that can get the best of me during my weakest time. My aspirations aren’t over. They’re changing, but they’re beginning to take it’s course.
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